Monday, July 11, 2011

Frustrating to stay here

Today I just feel pissed off. Its damn hell fucking and frustrating to stay at my own house after getting married. I thought nothing will change after marriage at-least the relationship with my own parents. But wrong.. I have to correct ma mind now. This is the bloody Indian system that once a girl gets married even her parents considers that their daughter belongs to her husband’s family. Initially I was feeling a bit hard to get adjusted to my husband’s family. To be frank I always felt more concern and priorities towards my parents than my husbands. Now this is the time I have to re-consider my priorities.

My house is so near to my office and I have no option other than staying at my own home. And with in few days even Das will also fly to abroad and it is very difficult for me to take another house and stay there alone with my baby appointing a nanny for ma little one. But staying at ma home is like losing ma self respect. Nothing is so difficult as staying at my own home. Here I can’t speak out, cant express my feelings, cant open up ma decisions bloody hell. Frustrating and annoying.

Here the decision maker is Dad well that’s well accepted and I don’t have any problem. But there is a limit to everything. I don’t like interfering in my family matters especially in my and das personal matters. When it comes to finance they want everything separate okay I can understand that. But its like I don’t have any value here my hubby doesn’t have any value. As if we don’t have any self respect. They are taking as for granted. I feel like hell to stay here.

Many times my own dad tells to me like this is my house if anyone has to leave here then have to live according to my discretion and wish. Yes this is not my house anymore, I also feel like that now… not my house… not anymore and who the fuck wanns to live here, as if I am dying to live here. My dad just said it more than 100 times to me and my sis. I feel like I got imprisoned in jail. Normally these kinds of things are said my in-laws. But when I compare I am blessed to get a good in laws. They don’t even utter a single word and if they do so ma husband reacts badly. At-least there my husband have some value and becoz of him I have value in his house. They think twice before saying to me because I am wife of their son. My decisions have value there; they take my word before concluding to any decision.

I wann to get separated from ma house. I am just praying and waiting hard to get an opportunity to go from here. I hope das will get settled where he’s going and take me and my baby along with him as soon as possible. I wish I could go with him now.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

My Love

O my love………
I will be lonely when you go away from me
I am meaningless without you in my life

You taught what love to me is
I understood the meaning of life
I am nothing without you my love

You explored my life …
You showed new things to me
You made me come out from what I am

You made me feel special by caring me
You made me feel beautiful by kissing me
You made me feel unique by complimenting me
You made me feel that you need me by cuddling each time

I start to love spend all the time with you
I dropped my feminism inside in me after meeting you
I became women when you made love with me
I begin to respect the feeling of lust when you touched me

I will get hurt
When I will stretch ma hands to feel you in my bed
And I don’t find you with me
Dear don’t go away from me…

My life will became dried out like earlier
My life will become dark like earlier
I don’t want the lights to be rotten in my life again…

It’s hard to accept that you are not going to be with me
I will not able to cover the space without you in my life
I don’t know how I am going to control myself from breaking down

Tell me how to stop the rolling tears from ma eyes my dear.
Tell me how I can stop thinking about you my love
Tell me how I can kill the loneliness in my life without you
How can I stop missing you….

My life will become hollow without you.
Each time spend with you was precious and valuable

No matter whatever the situation is
I love to be with you ….

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Well I am having another blog and followed by my friends, relatives, colleagues and others. Since my close and dear ones follow and read ma blog I am not able to open up myself. So here I just wann to be myself. This is an open diary of mine in which with all my guts I wann to open up myself here.